Lifesong of a Sinner

Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love he brings to me
Where do I start?

Where do I start?

Well, I was born on 20th December 1955, brought up in a Christian home, on a council housing estate, the middle child of seven, into a working class family. Mum was ‘High Anglican’ which was all bells, smells, candles and things. Dad was Primitive Methodist, very straight laced and proper. I was baptised Methodist but served as an altar boy in the Anglican Church. So I had a very good introduction to the Christian faith. I suppose I had a normal sort of happy childhood, but I was bullied almost from day one at school, although I did have some close friends.

As I grew up, the bullying continued and I started to do what others wanted me to do just so that I could say they were my friends. Even at a very early age, I needed to fit in, I needed something to belong to. Before I received Christ, I lived to be accepted. I played different roles with different groups. I gave no thought to tomorrow at all. My life revolved around trying to be what others wanted me to be. I started drinking early, I started smoking early. I can't really say I gained any happiness at all and certainly no sense of security. I became a newspaper delivery boy, and I got into trouble for shoplifting, mainly sweets, chocolate and comic books. It was around this time that I started to take an interest in other magazines – the top shelf magazines – at 12 years of age! I even stole some of those without the shopkeeper knowing. And so, my lifelong addiction to sex was born!

The older I got, the more I realised that there was something missing in my life, and although I had a large group of so called friends, nobody really knew the real me, and nobody cared. But I knew the real me and I cared! And I wanted to be that person – the real me!

In 1973, at the tender age of 17 I joined the RAF, but life never changed much on the inside. Still the same old inside, still the same old problems. I didn’t take to the life and was soon into heavy drinking, and involved with several young women at the same time. I was discharged from the RAF for going AWOL – twice! And after the second spell inside RAF prison, I was told my services were no longer required. Within two days of coming home, I was admitted to the hospital with a kidney blockage, which very nearly ended everything.

I came out of the hospital after 10 days, and soon became a fairground attendant at a holiday camp for the season. Life took a real downward spiral there, back into the same vicious circle – drinking, partying, women. Shortly after returning home, I met a girl from my hometown, who had been on holiday at the camp. I had found a job in a wholesale market. We dated and started going steady – two years later in 1978, we were married. Life was no different for a long time. It was around this time that I returned to what I had done as a child – cutting myself so that others would show sympathy, never scratches but actual deep cuts. I always had an excuse for my injury. The cuts became deeper and took longer to heal. I bear the physical scars to this day.

Then in 1980 our first son was born, and I wanted him to be baptised. Something inside had started to stir again. He was baptised locally, and we started attending church, and were quite at home. This felt good, but on the inside I knew there was more. We drifted away again, and I was back into drinking and gambling, stealing from work to pay for my habits. 18 months later, and son number two came along. And again a need to have him baptised. So along to the same church, but this time the Minister went through the reasons for baptism, and we postponed for six months. We went back to church as a family, and this time there was more to this church thing, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Underneath, the same old feelings and the same old turmoils were burning away at me, and it wasn’t long before I was back to my old self. But deep down inside I wanted more – I wanted to be loved and accepted and to belong to something or someone. Just before coming to Christ, I felt so lonely, even though I was married and had 2 young sons. I had been brought up in a Christian family, so I always knew about Christ, but never knew him personally. At the time just prior to receiving him, my local church had arranged to go to a Billy Graham crusade, here in Sheffield in 1985. So on Friday 28th June, I went along out of curiosity and because it was free. Immediately before receiving Christ, my struggles were with loneliness, insecurity, drinking and gambling. I desperately needed something to give me just a spark of hope.

During the meeting, Billy Graham started to talk about this man called Jesus, he made him sound so real, he gave me something but I had no idea what it was. I had heard people saying he would invite seekers to go to the front, but no way was I having any of that. And then -

With his first hello
He gave new meaning to this empty world of mine
There’ll never be another love, another time
He came into my life and made the living fine
He fills my heart

I was drawn like a nail to a magnet from where I was sitting to the centre of the ground in front of the stage. I felt as though the top of my head was opened up and 'something' was pouring in, forcing out the past, and filling me with love and wonder and joy. I wept openly as I invited Christ into my heart.

From that moment, I knew that I was loved, and wanted and 'special' and that I could finally be ME. I found a new positive approach to life because I knew I was loved, and because I now had the hope that I had always longed for. I started attending a nurture group at my local church, and almost immediately, sensed that God was calling me to become a preacher of his word. There was little support from the church, but this calling would not go away. After a period, things levelled out and I became a lukewarm, comfortable, respectable Sunday one hour Christian.

By 1988, although I now called myself a Christian, I was back to drinking, gambling and debt. My marriage was very close to ended. I met a lady at church, who lit something within me. We became very close friends, and yes we had an affair, only it was much, much deeper than that. She was going through her divorce, and I knew that this was the lady I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I moved out of the family home on May 21st 1989, and moved in with Ann. We struggled so desperately with what we had done, but knew that we had to be together. Our church did not want to be seen to condone what we had done, so we left that church and went on a journey to find a new spiritual home. We walked closer to God than either of us had ever done before, we prayed constantly, we read the Bible, we sought God with our whole hearts and minds and souls and every fibre of our being. We knew that out of this, he was going to create something new and beautiful. 

Eventually we were led to go to another church. It was as though God himself welcomed us at the door. We were married there on June 30th 1991 and it was our spiritual home for 18 years until just recently, From here I was finally able to fulfil my calling and I have now been preaching the word for 14 years. God is anointing me almost daily in this preaching ministry. I now rely totally and absolutely on Him for the strength to preach and the words to preach. Only just recently, we felt a prompting from God to return to our home circuit after 18 years of 'exile'. He hasn't led us back to the original church, but another church within the circuit, and already has several roles lined up for the two of us. My wife has just been accredited as a Worship Leader within the Methodist Church.

My life has changed dramatically, in that I now live wholly for Jesus. I suppose it took a while for me to notice, and others noticed before me, but my whole outlook was more positive, happier, and more confident and more Christ centred. My main motivation in life now is no longer self, self, self but Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

He fills my heart with very special things
With angels songs,
with wild imaginings
He fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go I’m never lonely
With Him around, who could be lonely
I reach for His hand - it’s always there

Sometimes life is a struggle, but I see every struggle as merely another opportunity to witness to God's great love and grace and glory and mercy and providence. In my past I was addicted to sex, and I sexually abused someone who placed great trust in me and loved me with her whole heart (not my wife or my ex-wife). God has given that person back to me and there is no past at all, she loves me with as much love as she ever did. I have encountered and survived redundancy and since then have been placed in a position of respect and responsibility where I can witness to others, I've been through divorce and God has given me a true 'other half' without whom I would not have reached where I am today. I have suffered child bereavement and God has given me a worldwide family, children and grandchildren, step children, step grandchildren and even step great grandchildren. I have endured the heartbreak of parental bereavement but God has given me back my deep, deep love for my mother. I lost the trust and respect of my family in 1989, but God has restored that. I have come through financial disaster, but thanks to God, in mid 2009 we will once more be financially sound.

I have learned that through everything, there is nothing that can ever separate me from the love of God, which is mine in Christ Jesus. I hope I have been able to clearly share how Jesus Christ entered my life and has begun to change me from the inside. Let me close in the same manner in which I started this Lifesong.

How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I’ll need him till the stars all burn away And He’ll be there

God Bless you all